1 tip I would give my younger self re: dating as a Type A woman
Not a generalization, just a reflection based on my personal experience.
I was single for most of my twenties.
I would go on date after date — and honestly, I enjoyed it. Within a few years, I realized I was enjoying the process because I was fun and engaging, not because the guys were. I knew how to keep a conversation going, how to ask insightful questions, and most importantly, how to make sure everyone else was happy and having a good time.
Over time, I started to feel exhausted. It became increasingly difficult for me to discern between feeling an actual connection with someone vs. enjoying the vibe because I was the one curating it.
Everything changed for me when I started to ask myself this one question:
What parts of myself am I dialing up or down to make me seem more palatable?
As someone who has had to audition, interview, perform for every opportunity I’ve gotten in my life (heck, I had to do an intense audition in 5th grade to get into a gifted & talented middle school in NYC), I realized I was applying this same “pick me” mentality to dating.
I was showing up as who I thought guys wanted me to be — drinking more than I actually like to (I’m sober now), acting more demure than I actually am (I have a lot of fiery, non-demure energy), and carrying conversations even when my date was boring (just to make sure no one felt uncomfortable).
I use the word “palatable” in my question, instead of just “likable” because “palatable” specifically implies being pleasant, which is what a lot of women are taught to be.
To me, this shift to being honest with myself was marked by a series of small behavior changes, such as when…
I stopped pretending to like things I didn’t. For example, I agreed to go to a brewery with a guy (I hate beer). When I got there, I decided to be honest with myself and him, said I was exploring sobriety, and ordered a kombucha. To my surprise, he got a kombucha too to keep me “company.” That moment allowed him to see the real me — not some false projection of myself
I set better boundaries around my time. In the past, if I was seeing someone, I would keep my Friday / Saturday nights open, in the hope that they would schedule a date. I realized this was a form of trying to maintain “control” of the situation and would ultimately lead to disappointment. I started to pour back into my life and hobbies
I stopped lying to guys about what I wanted. I used to pretend to be the “chill girl,” when I am not chill. Why was I lying about that? To avoid awkwardness and disappointment. But all it did was create more disappointment for me in the long run
I redefined intimacy on my own terms. I decided to reserve intimacy for serious relationships only. I’d always believed in doing this but had worried it might make me seem “too uptight.” Hint: the right guys won’t see it that way
Ultimately, we can’t control how the people we date behave — but we can limit self-deception. When we treat dating like an audition, it becomes exhausting because we’re not connecting with others in a genuine, feelings-based way.
So here’s the tip I would give my younger self — and any high-achieving, Type A woman reading this:
Stop treating dating like a performance. You don’t need to “earn” someone’s affection by hiding or shrinking parts of yourself. The right connection will never require you to dim your light.