On turning 31: change, existential anxiety, and self-belonging
I turned 31 last month. My year was marked by seismic shifts — personal and professional. This reflection is as much for me as it is for you.
I turned 31 last month. It felt uneventful, which gave me a bit of pause.
30 felt like such a big milestone last year — the beginning of “serious” adult life. 31 kind of just…happened. I think it’s because society puts such a massive emphasis on arbitrary numbers, like 30, and makes us feel like we’ve got to check a bunch of boxes by then.
I’ve worked to dismantle this “checkbox” thinking because (1) it doesn’t reflect the full-ness of the human experience, (2) it makes us think we achieve eternal happiness when we reach certain milestones, (3) it confines us to arbitrary limits of what we can accomplish, feel, and learn, and (4) it pits us against our peers, creating unnecessary competition & comparison.
At times, I feel ahead; at other times, behind. When I examine those feelings, they almost always stem from external expectations of what is “good” or “right.”
In a world that profits from making us feel inadequate, tying success to intrinsic motivation, growth, and genuine fulfillment feels revolutionary. I’m not ahead or behind — I’m charting my own path.
And contrary to what society wants women to believe, aging is a gift. It’s a privilege to wake up breathing, to love and be loved, and to gain wisdom through lived experience.
My year was marked by seismic shifts — personal and professional. It feels reductive to distill the insights I gained into neatly crafted lessons. But I know I’ll want to read these again 5 years from now so this is as much for me as it is for you:
1. Belong to yourself first
Growing up, belonging is defined for us — school, family, culture, and hobbies. As adults, we belong to our company, friends, city, hobbies, and the families we create.
For me, belonging has always felt complicated. I’ve often felt like a walking contradiction:
I’ve worked in high-powered, soul-sucking corporate jobs and am also a wellness enthusiast who values balance
I’ve worked for nonprofits (making very little money) and for profit-driven corporations (making much more money)
I have a “corporate” personality at work and a creative, expressive personality outside of work
I deeply value my family, even though I’ve spent only 20% of my adult life living near them
I’ve moved seven times as an adult, yet long for stability
Simply put, I don't belong in many places — or at least, not in the myopic way that these identities are defined.
This year, I quit my corporate job, joined a venture studio to start my own business, and moved across the country to live with a significant other. I had little to cling to as proof of my worthiness. It reminded me of when I moved abroad in 2016, where I couldn’t rely on my college background or pedigree for respect. I had to dig deeper into my values and true self to build connections.
When I desperately want to belong, I am humbled by the realization that external labels and titles are fleeting. True belonging comes from a deep connection to my values, regardless of what I do, where I live, or how others perceive me.
2. No one owes you grace
This one has been a harsh pill to swallow. I’ve always believed in giving people second chances and seeing the best in their intentions.
However, a few personal situations this year showed me that life isn’t a fair exchange of kindness. Sometimes, people will misjudge you, misconstrue your intentions, or not extend grace when you need it most. This doesn’t mean you’re not deserving of it — it simply means that grace is not always guaranteed.
The worst thing you can do in response to these situations is become bitter and resentful.
3. Creating & giving are some of the best antidotes to existential anxiety
In 2024, with constant uncertainty in my personal and professional life, I had to relinquish control of grand, long-term visions. At times, I exhausted my energy reserves by falling into downward spirals of existential confusion.
But here’s the thing — good things can’t come to us if we are operating from a place of contraction and anxiety.
Towards the end of the year, I shifted my mindset. In order to feel “in control,” I turned to creating (content, my space, meaningful conversations) and giving (my time and resources).
In times of uncertainty, we tend to hoard our energy and resources. But sometimes, the best thing we can do is let our energy flow, and trust that the Universe will alchemize it back to us in a positive way.
Shifting my attention from “Omg what’s happening to me?!” —> “How can I channel Source energy to create, and show up to be of service to others” has felt liberating.
I’m excited to see what unfolds for me this year, and I hope to distill more moments and lessons into long-form writing.
Thanks for being a part of my world!